Falling From The Top of the Tower

I've come to quite a realization the other night. I perhaps should have been sleeping since I felt a little sick. In fact, I feel worse today but the medicine seems to be doing a bloody good job. Hence why I'm here typing. Anyways, the realization is that I really need to come out of my shell. I'm not as outgoing as I like to be. I want to be though. I then thought back to, what I decided, was the best year of my life: freshmen year. It's surprising even to me since I can safely say I was the most angst-ridden I have ever been in my entire, short life. It was terrible really and my Xanga (which still exists) can easily vouch for that. It's...embarrassing to say the least. All in all though...9th grade was the peak of my life. I think it really had to do with the fact that it was my last year at the International Community School Bangkok. After being there since kindergarten it was pretty much my second home. I didn't want to leave at all. Perhaps I felt like I needed to really make my mark before I left though. I wanted to leave behind a legacy. So, in the end, I did some really strange things. And I did so with abandon.

Remember the days when those damn Livestrong bracelets (along with those fake ones) was the big fad? Yeah, even I fell for 'em. One day, just on a whim, I decided to ask for everyone's bracelets and wore them...all on my one arm. People were no doubt confused at the rubbery, colorful mess on my arm and my confident smile. Confident about what though? At least I'm pretty sure I was able to return each one to their respective owners. I took a LOT of them, too, so that's impressive in itself.

This is a huge shame of mine but one day, I actually dyed my hair. I wanted a nice light brown color but of course, it didn't turn out that way. Instead I got this weird orange color. I wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible. I wouldn't have ever done it before the freshmen year. Once again, another surge of strange confidence.

I actually had the guts to ask someone to the banquet (because, you know, dancing is Satan's thing so we can't have no Satan's prom) and, of course, I got the dreaded "Yeah, I'll think about it." At the time though I was pretty confident that everything was gonna be all right. Wrong. Rejection occured like a few days later and that day just beat the crap out of me with awful mood swings. I was either laughing like I just huffed some paint or I just didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I should have learned from this but I took the bait again when I asked someone to prom during senior year. Another epic fail if you ask me. Fortunately, both worked out in the end.

Yeah, I got my first girlfriend (and my only thus far but that's no biggie) during freshmen year. Mind you, it was towards the end of the year. It really wish I capitalized way earlier. They were the best two or three months at school I could have ever had though. As time passed and the reality of leaving finally caught up to me...it was hard. Long distance was hard and trying. I wish it could have all been so much better. But no regrets. None at all. I just have my wishes. And I can't have 'em.

So there was this one anime episode I watched and it took place in a school setting. I remember how they talked about how a guy has the ability to all of a sudden and for no good reason became really popular with everyone. Unfortunately, this doesn't last forever and everyone will stop caring. It's basically the peak time of your life and you have no chance of ever acquiring that again. I just thought that was pretty funny but at the time I didn't realize how much I could really relate to that. I don't believe all hope is lost though. It would have been so awesome if I was able to ride that momentum I had in 9th grade for a longer time. But ever since I moved, I became the new kid again and that's a hard transition. I became meek and quiet again but it doesn't take me too long to get out of that. However, I realize I was never as outgoing like that year. In fact, I actually feel like I crawled into a shell. I could be so much more out there. Instead, I start fearing I come off as somewhat uptight though I try to defuse that with a stupid or sometimes clever line. Humor is all I got. I need to find that charm again.

Here I am, still falling from the top of the tower that was freshmen year. It's sad to think that my peak, my summit, my golden age was 9th grade. I think there was a reason why I had so many dreams involving big buildings and towers. It was signaling what was to come. Now I don't get those dreams anymore. I want a sign again. Something to tell me that I still got it. But I can't depend on REM sleep to tell me that I'm ready to break out. I have to somehow find the courage to grab hold of the side of the tower to prevent myself from falling anymore and break out of this shell I weaved around me. I hope, one day soon, I will find the power to climb back up. Slowly but steadily.

Of Hotels and Helicopters

Dreams. They can be rather strange sometimes huh? Most of the time, if I can even remember one at all, I can't make any sense out of my dreams. But they're really not so strange that they become nightmares. In fact, I really do enjoy my dreams especially if I end up seeing people I know. Then again I really don't see strangers in my dreams very often. Sometimes though...I wish my dreams would actually mean something and end up affecting me once I wake up. I kinda want to be like Joseph and have prophetic dreams. Now that I think about it, I remember there being one dream which...funnily enough ended up becoming true almost to a tee. There have been dreams which I'm sure were visions of my subconscious (or perhaps conscious) desires and they feel so real yet don't last long enough. Freud would be proud, right? But that's not what I want to talk about now. The funny thing about most of my dreams is that...they seem to have a recurring setting.

I don't know why but my most vivid dreams took place in office buildings, department stores, resort areas, hotels, and big buildings in general. And of course, they all seemed very twisted in sometimes, now that I remind myself, scary ways. One dream I had when I was younger involved some dinner party at my dad's office building (interestingly enough, he worked at a university at the time) and I decided to wander off. I eventually found myself lost in literally a maze of office cubicles as I called for my father over and over. With a worried expression, my father finally appeared near me and my dream ended. A couple of dreams took place in this one strange department store reminiscent of one that I frequented back in Bangkok but of course was very strange in nature. One time ended up being a chase in which I took refuge in the top floor game center and another where, I believe, I was simply having lunch in a Japanese restaurant. I actually like this particular dream where it seemed like I was on a school trip at a massive, 5-star clockwork hotel and I'm pretty sure there was a secret passage of some sort at the top floor where a giant clock with massive gears ticked away. Then there was the Japanese style hotel with their massive shower and bath rooms. To this day, all these places I visited in my dream seem extremely real to me.

However, those pale in comparison to a dream I had when I was younger. I will always remember for it's strange yet appealing abstractness but at the same time, a certain fear that it instills in me. So in this dream, I'm all alone walking around in an unfamiliar apartment complex. The sun seemed to be setting so it must have been late afternoon. It was too quiet. I was too alone. But the orange-yellow glow on the apartment walls was majestic in a way. I remember two things occurring in that dream though I do not remember which happened first. As I walked up the stairs of the interior of the apartment, I remember walking into an open door with sandals outside of it. I was greeted by, I think, an old Eurasian lady who only looked at me with either a face of disdain or indifference yet kept with her silence the whole time. I stayed in the well-furnished room for awhile while the Eurasian lady rested in her chair. Before I knew it, I was walking on the bridge located between two apartment building when I heard a strange sound. It got louder and louder and then I saw a helicopter flying above me. It seemed to be a military helicopter of some sort but what worried me was that it was flying far too close and fast towards the roof of the farther apartment building. I knew it was going to crash. Before it did though...the propeller sound vanished along with the whole helicopter. Confused, I quickly made my up to the roof to find the roof completely empty and unscathed. At my feet, I notice a small object. It was the military helicopter...a toy one. As I looked at the toy helicopter, I woke up.

I like to believe that dreams have a certain meaning. Even today, I can't make rhyme or rhythm out of the helicopter dream and for some reason...it really bugs me. I can only hope to dream up such a sight once again. And if I do...I hope to properly greet and thank that old Eurasian lady whoever she may be.